This is NOT my slideshow!
by ashirisu
Summary: Based off a prompt in the USUK kink meme. America has a slideshow prepared to explain one of his brilliant ideas at the next world conference, but it somehow gets switched with a video of a much different nature. USUK, obviously, with small hints of GerIta because I just couldn't resist. Yaoi, so don't like, don't read.


**A/N: So I should probably be ashamed of myself for even knowing where to find stuff like this, but I'm not. NO REGRETS.**

_US/UK - Sex tape. Alfred and Arthur film themselves one night for the hell of it, and the tape accidentally ends up being shown at the next world meeting/summit. OP would love a detailed description of what exactly is on the tape (preferably while it's being viewed by everyone else) if possible. Human names preferred, but I'm not too picky._

_Bonus points for:_  
_a)Arthur or Alfred not knowing that the other had set up a camera until the video is shown_  
_b)Francis trying to get a copy of the tape, taking Arthur and Alfred aside to give them pointers, or trying to talk the two ofthem into making a tape with him_

**So let's see how this goes, shall we? Authoress apologizes if it sucks. She's never written stuff like this before. Much.**

* * *

"-and so that's why we're gonna need like six thousand tons of jelly beans to stop global warming," America finished proudly. "Any questions?" He stacked his notes together cleanly, grinning out at the stunned faces of his audience. No doubt they were speechless with awe at yet another of his brilliant plans.

A hand made its way into the air, and America beamed at its owner. "Talk to me, England. What part of my awesome idea should I clarify for you?" He shot an understanding smile at the Brit, one that said, _It's okay. Not everyone can be as smart as me._

"I was just wondering," England said, "What the bloody fuck you were on when you came up with this! This is literally the stupidest thing that's come out of your head since the blanket with sleeves!"

The other nations groaned. "It" was happening again. The never-to-fail spat between the American and the Briton had become so common that a world meeting could hardly be called complete without one of them shooting disparaging quips at the other, causing the target to become flustered and engage in a yelling match. "It" had become a staple of every unproductive meeting, which basically meant every meeting.

"Don't diss the Snuggie!" America was indignant. "It's a great invention! Now I can eat pizza and still keep my arms toasty warm!"

"Pizza and toast!" Italy looked up happily from his nap. "Is it lunchtime yet?"

The two arguing nations ignored him. "Anyway, this is a great plan!" America defended his innovation. "It'll save the world, you don't even know!"

"No, I really don't," England shot back. "Please, explain to me how _confectioneries_ are going to stop the increase in greenhouse gas production."

America deflated a bit at the puncture to his ego. "Weren't you listening to my speech at all?"

England rolled his eyes. "No, actually. I was thinking about something much more interesting, such as when it would finally end."

America's lip curled into a pout as his eyes narrowed. "You suck, you know that?"

"Oh dear, how will I ever live with myself?" England lamented sarcastically, placing a hand to his forehead in mock despair. "Really now. You can't expect me to listen to you if your ideas make _no fucking sense_."

"They make perfect sense!" America retorted. "If you'd been listening, you'd have heard!"

"Actually," Russia cut in. "I am doing the agreeing with England. I do not know how sugar beans will help save us from the effects of your capitalistic over-production."

America straightened and looked away. "I'm gonna pretend you didn't just say some Commie shit. Does _anybody_ understand my awesome plan?" He looked hopefully out at the nations, namely Japan (who had a tendency to agree with everything America said, whether sensible or not).

There was a deafening silence.

"Come on!" America yelled. "Seriously? None of you get it?" He didn't understand. How could nobody comprehend the sheer _genius_ of this idea?

"Jelly beans..." Italy murmured happily in his sleep.

"UGH!" America roared in frustration. "It's like talkin' to a bunch of rocks, I swear!" He glared at them all, "Y'all are just lucky I'm a Boy Scout. Always come prepared!" He pulled a disc from his briefcase triumphantly. "I made a slide show in case you guys were stupider than I thought. Guess so." He popped the CD from its case and stuck it in the main computer's disc-drive slot, clicking and typing in the set-up software. "Somebody dim the lights!"

One of the nations in the back obliged, and America's face lit up in an odd, bluish glow as the computer screen took up the job of the sole light source in the room. The lenses of his glasses glinted, reflecting the screen in a distorted and backward fashion. The projection screen lit up with its logo as America stood, set up complete.

"There!" he said confidently. "Prepare to have your mind blown!" He crashed down into his chair and stared expectantly at the screen.

There was a moment spent loading, then a very obviously home-made movie flashed to life. The image displayed was of a shirtless America, magnified several times to fit the screen size. He seemed to be focused on something off screen, his tongue poking out of his mouth in concentration.

"Are you nearly done?" An annoyed and unmistakably _British_ voice sounded from behind him.

"Almost," the movie-America replied, still fiddling about. "There!" he stood back proudly, seemingly admiring his work. "That should do it."

"Thank God," came the British voice again. "What were you doing, anyway?"

Movie-America turned, grinning broadly. "Nothin'," he said innocently. "Just putting my baseball stuff back in the closet."

"You left me here naked on the bed so you could arrange your cupboard?" The voice sounded even more annoyed. "You arse. Get over here."

Movie-America's grin widened and he saluted. "Sir, yes sir!" He ran off and leaped onto the bed, revealing the rest of the scene.

He was in a bedroom, and a rather messy one at that. Posters of superheroes, motorcycles, fighter planes, and risqué cowgirls littered the walls. Clothes peeked out of the dresser drawers, and many others were scattered about on the floor along with various wrappers and other objects, namely game controllers and CD cases. In the middle of the room was a four-poster bed, covered in blankets and pillows and currently holding two half-naked men.

"What the crap!?" the real-life America demanded. "This is NOT my slideshow!"

"_Oui_," came France's voice, "But it is so much more interesting!"

"What?" Germany yelled. "It's not interesting, it's appalling! Somebody turn it off!"

Nobody moved.

The movie-America had clambered on top of the movie-England and was nuzzling him affectionately. "Mm, Arthur, you're so pretty," he said.

Movie-England rolled his eyes. "You lost your momentum when you stopped to fix your belongings. The mood's gone."

"Aww, Artie!" movie-America whined. "Gimme a chance, I'll bring it back!" His face dipped down to kiss at the Englishman's neck.

"You left the cupboard door open," movie-England complained.

"Mm," came the reply, followed by more kisses and light nips to the earlobe.

"And the contents are disgusting," movie-England continued. "Your clothes are spilling everywhere and I don't even _want_ to know what that is that's growing mold. Your hygiene habits are-aah!" Just what America's hygiene habits were was never revealed, as movie-England cut himself off with a gasping moan as a result of America's gentle bite to his collarbone.

"See," movie-America said smugly from his place at the Brit's neck. "I told you I'd bring it back."

"You're still wearing ratty sweatpants," movie-England argued half-heartedly.

"Easy access," movie-America replied evenly, turning his attention to England's chest.

The real England spluttered indignantly. "Alfred!" he shouted, dropping the usage of America's formal name in his anger. "Why do you have this!?"

America glanced over sheepishly. "Um..."

"I do not think Mr. America was really putting away his belongings when he was in the closet," Japan suggested. "He was probably setting up his camera."

"You made a secret sex tape!?" England rounded back to America furiously.

"I was gonna tell you!" America tried to look apologetic.

"When? After you showed it to the entire world!?"

"I must've mixed it up with my slide show DVD!" America wailed. "Shit, now my jelly bean thing is in with the porn!"

"THAT'S HARDLY WHAT I'M WORRIED ABOUT RIGHT NOW."

A light flashed on in the back. "No phones!" England snapped, whirling around to see who would have the gall to record this.

Hungary ignored him.

"Hey yeah!" America protested, "That's piracy!"

"You surrendered your right to no piracy when you gave up your right to privacy," she replied. America had no answer for that.

"Somebody turn it off!" England shouted, louder than before. "I refuse to have my personal life put up on display! This is outrageous! This is-"

"Aaah~" movie-England let out a loud sigh, reverting everyone's attention back to the screen. His face was flushed with arousal, eyes half-lidded in pleasure. "Alfred..." he addressed the man whose mouth was currently latched around his nipple.

Movie-America grinned up at him. "I like your tits," he said cheerily.

Movie-England retorted with a weak slap to the head. "This would be so much more pleasant if you didn't talk," he said.

The movie-America took that as his cue to return his attentions to England's neglected nipple. He gave it a light flick with his tongue, effectively silencing the Brit.

England blushed as deeply as his onscreen double. He looked so wanton and submissive...

"_Très bien_!" France exclaimed, clapping his hands together in joyous excitement. "_C'est magnifique_! You must let big brother have a copy!"

England opened his mouth to protest (and most likely throw some choice words his way) when he was cut off by America.

"Dude, HELL no! I'm not just gonna _give_ you a copy of my sex tape!"

England was surprised at how adamant America was. Usually he would do anything to gain more popularity-

"You'd have to pay for it!"

Well, there went that. England chose to chastise America instead, as France would most likely accept the offer even as England was yelling at him. "Alfred! You are not just going to give this away!"

"I'm not!" America argued. "He'd still have to pay-"

"It's not for sale! Not now, not ever!"

"But I'm in so much debt, can you imagine how much money we'd-"

"I don't care how much revenue we'd get! I'm not allowing you to sell copies of-"

"Nng, Alfred!" They all turned to the screen once again as movie-England rutted his hips against America's stomach. "Stop teasing...brat..."

Movie-America grinned wolfishly. "Getting a little desperate, huh Artie?"

"Don't call me that! Just...AAH-merica~" He ground against movie-America's hips again, the hardness in his pants rather apparent.

Real-life America blushed at his screen self, whose own demanding manhood was becoming more obvious by the second. He shrunk down, trying to avoid eye contact with anyone. Even as he did so, his eyes were glued to the screen. He wanted to turn it off, to stop this humiliation, but...he couldn't move from his seat. He was literally incapable of going anywhere, doing anything but sitting right where he was and just watching in horrific fascination. There was just something about watching himself have sex that rendered him completely immobile.

Damn, he looked _good_.

"Arthur," his movie self purred seductively, leaning up to lick his neck again. The movement caused their clothed erections to rub together and both of them let out a desperate hiss of needy pleasure. "Arthur, I want-"

"I want it too, I want you," movie-England mewled, wrapping his legs around America's waist. "Alfred, I want you right now. Right now, please, Alfred!"

France and Hungary let out excited squeals. "_Mon cher_!" France practically drooled, "_Angleterre_, I had no idea you could be so...so..." For loss of an appropriate adjective, he let out an airy sigh.

"This is so beautiful!" Hungary sobbed. She ignored Austria's (and many other self-respecting nations') repulsed expressions and continued. "So desperate for each other, so utterly in _love_!"

"What are you talking about?" Germany thundered. "They're...they're fornicating right before our very eyes!"

"You're disgusting, sick bastards!" Romano yelled. "Filming your nasty gay sex!"

"Sex, pretty girls..." Italy mumbled, somehow sleeping through the entire ordeal. "Mmm, Germany~"

That last comment silenced Germany and Romano for the remainder of the movie.

Satisfied with this new development, America turned his head back to the screen as he heard himself let out a loud moan.

"Arthur, Arthur...hnn fuck. Get the-" movie-America seemed to be finding it hard to speak clearly. Movie-England caught on nonetheless, and reached blindly into the side-table drawer, lips still attached to America's shoulder, leaving love bites behind in their wake. The movie-America looked as though he were on the verge of screaming in pleasure, but was biting his lips to hold it in. "Hurry," he murmured impatiently. "I want-"

"I know," movie-England interrupted, swiftly shushing him with his tongue.

Movie-America considered this suitable payment for the time England was taking in finding the lube and contented himself with sucking the Brit's lips, running his fingers along to play with the hardened nubs on England's chest, eliciting all sorts of pleasant groans.

Real-life America was starting to become uncomfortable in his pants. Noises like that...that wasn't fair!

Somewhere off to his right, England made an unintelligible complaint. "Ridiculous," he muttered darkly. "Completely undignified." He shot a glance over at America, who was looking rather bothered by the whole ordeal. He looked up at England, at least having the grace to look apologetic and abashed.

"Sorry," he mouthed weakly.

"I hope you're proud of yourself," England whispered back testily. America hung his head, and England felt slightly bad for chastising him. After all, his body wasn't the only one being unceremoniously projected to the world. America's was just as exposed, now attempting to slip his boxers off. He was now completely naked, manhood swelled and flushed, twitching as he fumbled with the bottle of lubricant-

_Good Lord, Arthur, you really are a pervert._

America fidgeted uncomfortably. Of all the drives to accidentally switch, it _had_ to be the one with his keening, aroused, and so...exposed self. _Why couldn't it have been me getting potty trained or something? Even that would be better than self-made porn!_ He looked so stupid up there...

"Oi, America," Spain called. "Nice dick."

"SHUT UP, SPAIN."

"_Pero es verdad_!" Spain protested. "_Tus regiones del sur son muy grandes y_ _magnificos_."

"You no make-o el sense-o," America replied.

"Hnng~" movie-America choked as England slicked up his dick with lube. He threw his head back at the contact, bucking his hips slightly into movie-England's palm. "Arthur, Arthur, that feels so _good_~"

Snickers were heard around the room as a response to movie-America's whimpers and mewls. America sunk down into his chair, trying his best to become invisible. Why, oh why couldn't he trade places with Canada right now? Mocking glances were now being shot his way, and America avoided eye contact with anyone and everyone. He'd never be able to redeem this...

"Alfred, aah~!" He was saved from complete humiliation as movie-England reacted enthusiastically at penetration. The two men on the bed froze as England adjusted himself. A moment of tension-filled silence spanned the video and leaked out into the conference room. Not a soul spoke or moved. Some scarcely dared breathing for fear of shattering the fragile moment. Movie-England and movie-America stared into each other's eyes, a slightly worried expression tinging the latter's face as he waited for his partner to catch up.

Real England felt his heart flutter as he witnessed the intimately romantic moment. Obviously he had experienced it before, but seeing it as though looking upon someone else...it was a new experience entirely. Somehow it was sweeter, more loving when thoughts weren't clouded by lust and sex. They looked...dare he say it...completely in love.

Movie-England nodded his consent, sending a collective sigh around the room.

_This is the most touching porn I've ever watched_, England thought wryly. _And it's my own._

Movie-America began to thrust into him, slowly and gently at first, gradually building up speed and force. Movie-England rocked his hips with every movement, allowing for deeper access. Movie-America moaned and tugged at England's waist, pulling him closer and more snugly against him. "Arthur," he mumbled. "God, Arthur, you're so...haaa...ahn~"

"Alfred," movie-England called, voice husky and dripping with lust, "Please, more~"

Movie-America wasted no time in obliging, and soon the room was filled with the sounds of their passion.

"Aah, nng, haa..._nm_~"

"Aaalfred...mmmm...aah!"

Movie-America's voice became muffled as he buried his face in England's neck again, biting and kissing and licking every inch of him he could possibly reach. A foot pressing desperately into the small of his back and thighs wrapped tighter around his waist came as his reward.

America chanced a quick glance around the room. Some of the nations had the grace to look disgusted (namely China and Austria), while others (France) looked practically ready to pass out from lack of oxygen flow. Hungary had pulled her phone out again and was now staring, transfixed, at the scene playing out onscreen.

The screen doppelgangers had been at their intimate tango for a while now, and their cries were starting to sound more desperate.

"Ah, Alfred, please!" movie-England keened. "I want...will you..." His face was flushed, hands tangled in the sheets as he grasped for something, _anything_ to serve as an outlet for his pleasure overload. As movie-America met his eyes, he nodded down at his neglected and weeping manhood. "Please," he begged, "Please..."

Movie-America got the hint and wrapped his hand around England's length, pumping in time to his quickly speeding thrusts. It only took a moment before movie-England arched, screaming out America's name as he exploded in ecstatic orgasm. America was not far behind, stiffening with a wordless cry on his lips as he released himself.

The room was utterly silent.

Movie-America held himself up for a moment, breathing heavily, before collapsing down next to a panting England. The older nation cuddled instinctively into the warmth, humming contentedly against America's chest. America lifted a hand to stroke England's hair, his movement becoming slower and more dogged as he dozed off.

The image faded to black, followed by quick-running credits that read, "Awesome Orgasm Sex. Awesome hero played by yours truly, kinky British guy in my bed played by Arthur Kirkland."

There was a long and awkward silence as the disk whirred itself to completion. Then,

"What the _hell _was that!?" Switzerland shouted, banging his gun against the table.

"Brother, do not be angry!" Liechtenstein tried to appease him as she flipped the lights back on. "They weren't doing anything wrong, they are in love!"

"'Love' my fucking ass!" Romano interjected angrily. "It's disgusting, is what it was! I don't know why you freaky perverts even stayed to watch!" He purposefully ignored the fact that he himself never left the room, either. "I bet the damn potato bastard had something to do with it, trying to get my poor brother to watch such disgraces!"

"Waaa?" Italy mumbled sweetly, finally waking up.

Germany sighed in relief. "Good, you were sleeping. At least you did not have to see such horror."

"What horror?" Italy yawned, stretching his arms. "I didn't see anything bad. But I had a very weird dream about Mr. America and Mr. England having sex, and they were yelling really, really loud-"

Germany and Romano rushed him out of the room, Spain following excitedly behind Romano.

One by one, the other nations filed out, most muttering darkly about what they were "forced" to witness, others content with the fact that there had been something to shake up the usual boring monotony of the meetings. Hungary was showing Japan her recordings.

Finally, only America, England, and France were left in the room.

"_Mon chers_~" France sang, "You must absolutely do another! Except this time I think you should incorporate props, or maybe costumes. As erotic as it was, it seemed so flavorlessly vanilla. Perhaps you can include big brother next time, _non_?"

"Fuck off, Frog Breath!" England spat, folding his arms. And indignant blush began to color his face even deeper purple than it already was.

"Alas," France mourned, "It seems my offer will have to wait. May I at least buy your copy?"

"YOU MOST CERTAINLY CAN NOT!" England shouted, a vein starting to appear in his forehead. "I refuse to be accosted in such a manner! America, come!" he demanded, and stalked out of the room.

America watched him leave until he was positive that the Brit was out of earshot, then turned to France. "I can't sell it to you, you know."

France sighed. "This is most unfortunate. I would have paid good money for it, too."

"I won't sell it to you," America continued. "But for fifty bucks, I might forget to take it out of the computer. Who knows what could happen to it then? Just anybody could waltz up and take it."

France's face split into a wolfish grin. "Ah, _Amerique_," he crooned. "I knew I liked you~"

They shared a handshake that somehow ended with a brand-new bill in America's palm. America grinned and sauntered out of the room, calling for and running to England once he was out in the hall.

France popped the disk from the drive holder, holding it up to the light. "Ah, yes," he mused. "This was definitely worth the cost." He smirked and slipped it into his pocket, flicking off the lights as he left the room.

* * *

**A/N: Silly ending is silly :D I had to include France in there somehow, and we all know America won't pass up a chance to make a little extra cash.**

**I'm so embarrassed XD I went so far from my comfort zone with this, I was literally blushing furiously the entire time.**

***hopes it was worth it***

**Reviews are always love~!**


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